“You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you. True power is sitting back and observing things with logic. True power is restraint. If words control you, that means everyone else can control you. Breathe and allow things to pass.” Warren Buffett
When I did my original coaching training, we were taught that one of the problems that people face is the meaning they give to what is being said and done. If my background or conditioning has lead me to believe certain things about myself or life around me, it may set off incorrect assumptions. I then suffer because I believe the words that other person has just uttered mean something that wasn’t intended. We could ask questions to get clarification, but a lot of us feel uncomfortable having that sort of conversation. We would rather have a different sort of conversation in our heads.
What if, next time someone said something that made you feel put down or stressed, you plucked up the courage to ask for clarification? We were also taught that nobody ‘made’ me or you for that matter, feel something. We choose to feel that and we can choose to feel something else instead. If we find it too hard to ask what we see is a difficult question, then as Warren Buffett says, we need to sit back and observe what has just happened with logic. Think about whether this is going to be important in 1, 5, or 10 years time. If not, breathe into the area of discomfort in your body and allow that feeling to dissipate, allow it to pass and move on.
Enjoy restraining yourself from getting too caught up in your emotional reactions.
“A wise man fills his brain before emptying his mouth.” African Proverb
I think this is a delightful way to say what sounds to me like, think before you speak or it’s more important to listen than it is to do all the talking. Either way we can co-create a much more connected conversation. But of course conversations are not just about the words we use, they are about our body language, and the energy we put out before we even open our mouths. We pick up electrical signals from the other person when we are within 300 cm. Once they do start to speak we can tell by the tone of their voice, whether we feel comfortable or whether we feel we can trust them. We can tell if the words they are using are excluding us or if they’re angry at us, whether we feel like we’re taking risks, going to be judged or rejected. If this happens we immediately activate the stress area of our brains. The area of the brain responsible for good connective conversations, the area that is good at making decisions and can trust other people, gets shut down.
What can happen is that we also assume certain things because of our past experiences, not just about this person but about experiences that are similar. We assume that everyone else thinks and feels exactly like us even though we know that to be untrue. We can find it difficult sometimes to walk in their shoes and feel what is going on for them and we don’t actually realise that our feelings can change our reality. Lastly all my experiences build up a picture as you are speaking but unless I ask some clarifying questions I may have the ‘wrong end of the stick,’ as they say. Paying more attention to our conversations can be very valuable if we want to improve our relationships at work and at home.
Enjoy feeling good as you connect in your conversations!
“Knowing your purpose can dramatically enhance your experience in life. Purpose-driven people experience more fulfillment, more success, and often greater rewards than other people. Paradoxically, people who set out to live their purpose often make more money than people who set out to make money.” Timothy Kelly
This does sound a bit grandiose but at the end of the day it is something that most of us want to be doing. We want to be doing something that fulfils us, that we feel is worthwhile. I’ve been pretty lucky in my life in that I have mostly been working in a career that I love doing. There have been times when I’m in a bit of a hiatus, in ‘the gap.’ But if I keep working on things that give me life then it feels as though I am on purpose. I have had doubts when working towards something that seems a bit elusive and I wonder if I am still doing what I have been put on earth to do. But if I keep finding things that create the experiences that give me joy I usually get a sense of purpose.
How have you been living purposefully? Do you get a sense of that energy and passion that Tim Kelly is talking about when you are following your heart rather than your head? Your best self will show up when you are operating from a place of purpose. It may be that your purpose is just to be on this earth as a nice person who others like to be around. Your best self will show up when you are operating from a place of purpose. Set your intention to make every activity you do today be packed with great pupose. I have been through Tim Kelly’s course about living on purpose so if you think you want to step up for 2019 and you need help to sort out your purpose, contact me. Remember nothing happens until you decide to take action!
Enjoy living and breathing your purpose!