“Be loyal to those who are not present. In doing so, you build the trust of those who are present.” Steven Covey
On the inverse of this can you remember times when you have heard people talk badly about their friends and then you’ve wondered, what are they saying about me behind my back? The trust factor, that is so important for all relationships, starts to slip. I have quoted before from the book, Conversational Intelligence. In there, the author Judith Glaser, explains that we have to have trust, to co-create a great relationship with others. Trust can be built up or down in .07 sec of meeting someone. If distrust is stronger we are activating the part of our brain that is related to stress and we produce the hormones adrenaline and cortisol as a result. These chemicals shut down the part of the brain that is the executive brain. The part that makes decisions, is able to share, be open, transparent and inquisitive.
In that .07 sec we are getting messages from the tone of the voice; if we are being made to feel bad or minimised; if we feel we are taking risks and scared that we will be rejected; if we feel excluded or that someone is angry at us; or minimising our power, the stress centre or amygdala pumps out the stress hormones and shuts down the part of the brain that is trying to make decisions. So if you hear someone talk ill of others, your distrust centre, the amygdala, lights up and shuts you down from contributing in an open way. Conversely, if you hear someone speaking up on behalf of a person who is not present, you will relax into the conversation and feel safe.You will put out hormones that create bonding and a feel good factor with that person. In other words you will trust that person.
Enjoy being the person that others can trust.